Standing in front of a couple hundred heart stricken people gleaming into my burning soul, expecting some kind of inspirational words from my scared and quivering body.  My brain was like an empty garage with the door up for all to see, as I stood there with my mouth open sucking in the damp saddened air from the weak ore circling the room.  I went to speak as I caught the teary eye of the Fireman Chief glimmering in all of his honorable medals standing fifty yards in front of me.  As I dropped my head to let my emotions drain from my eyes I caught a reoccurring glimpse, like deja-vu, of the real reason for my presence on stage… my best friend laying in a beautiful carved box of wood with his fireman rescue pants on and arms laying across his stomach.  This was the first time that I have seen him so peaceful, relaxed, and quiet.  And the first time that I knew I was never going to talk to him again.

After I gave a little speech, in honor of my best friend Alex, I walked off stage to join my other best friends in a group hug, which painfully felt one man shorter, as a beautiful song came over the demoralized.

(Listen to the song)

            Following my speech at Alex’s funeral, I was struck by a song that changed my outlook on death.  “Waiting on An Angel,” by Ben Harper, is about losing someone very close, and then waiting on their return.  This song has rebuilt my broken heart from the pain of Alex’s death, and strengthened my aspirations for the future.  From where I have been in life’s magical journey to where I am now going, “Waiting on An Angel” has given me significant meaning that touched my mind, body, and soul.

            Having something that affects the mind happens on a day to day basis, depending on the severity of intellectual interaction that one encounters.  By listening to the true meaning of “Waiting on An Angel,” I have come up with a new outlook on the tragic loss of my best friend that has put me in a different mind state.  The beginning of the song is;

“Waiting on an angel

one to carry me home

hope you come to see me soon

cause I don’t want to go alone”

The primary meaning is to show the relationship between the Angel and the person waiting to be carried home.  The home that is being referred to is wherever the loved one has passed on to, and the one left behind is waiting to reconnect with his new Angel.  Instead of getting down on myself for the loss of my best friend, I finally have recognized that Alex is in a different place and that I will be joining him “soon, cause I don’t want to go alone.”  Later in the song, Ben Harper sings;

“So speak kind to a stranger

Cause you’ll never know

It just might be an angel come

 Knockin’ at your door”

This part of the song has given me a new outlook at life’s interesting cycle.  Ben Harper is trying to convey the true passion of encountering strangers on a day to day basis.  What if the Angel that I have been waiting on bumps into me in the next twenty minutes and I just keep on walking?  These four lines of the song have brought about new interaction in my daily life that keep me fascinated with the strangers I meet.

            Having a song change a persons outlook on something takes a little effort, but not as much aptitude as changing the physical actions.  Recent surveys have proven that communication is only thirteen percent verbal and eighty-seven percent non-verbal.  Concluding that actions speak loader than words and defines what a person is like.  Are my daily actions admirable enough to have an Angel retrieve me and bring me to my home?  With a recent understanding of the meaning of life and death, I have made some major adjustments with how I treat my body and my daily course of action.  With all of the healthy fixations in today’s society, I don’t understand why people shorten their lives by consuming harmful toxins.  I also have set myself to higher moral standards in talking and dealing with others.

            From losing Alex, at the young age of twenty-two, I had to dig deep into my soul to retrieve the true meaning of his death.  I now feel that life’s cycle is all part of a grander plan.  Whatever is lost throughout one’s life will come back in the end when it’s really needed the most.  “Waiting on an angel… to carry me home” has different meanings to everyone that hears the song based on one’s beliefs and daily actions of their lives.  In Comparison, my soul is what changes my true feelings during events in my life and is the vital core to my existence.  From changing my thoughts to changing my daily actions, “Waiting on An Angel” has really changed what I believe in my soul.  And that’s the one thing that nobody can take away from me.

            “Waiting on An Angel,” what a magical response to life’s awkward question, what are we doing here?  My new outlook on life, from the tragic loss of my best friend, has given me a new meaning to life after death and the strength to accept his absence in the present.  As people grow up, they find many challenges in life that assaults the mind and the body, but, the soul lies in a box that has no access besides a heart’s conviction.  Your mind is who you think you are, your body is what you are, and your soul is who you truly are… Who are you?

Water. An essential element of life, necessary for survival.  We are surrounded by it from the beginning in the amniotic sac, safe and buffered from the world while we grow and develop.  Water, symbolic of life, helps us maintain balance and nourishes all our cells.  Throughout life water is precious:  the water of birth launches us into the world, the water of baptism with faith cleanses us of sin, and the water of tears chases out sorrow, rainwater from the heavens supports the forests and crops necessary for life.  But on May 19, 2005, a sudden drenching downpour left puddles and slickened surfaces on a road which contributed to a fatal accident and changed the lives of so many. 

The phone rang at 5:50 p.m.  I was washing the floor.  My husband handed the receiver to me saying “It’s Kari, I think something is wrong.”  As I took the phone, before I even spoke, I heard Kari’s voice singing and reciting verses.  I wasn’t sure if it was a hymn or a poem.  She said there was a message on her answering machine from UW Hospitals that she hadn’t listened to yet but she knew “a member of her family has been involved in an accident.”  Kari told me “It’s Alex, I know it.  It can’t be anyone else.”  She told me that Steve is out of town and Karissa was in Chicago.  I told her to wait; I would be there shortly to drive her to the hospital.  She said not to come as she knew it was too late, he was already dead.  This was spoken very matter-of-factly as if I should know this as she was certain. 

When I arrived at her house she opened the door, half dressed, looking slightly dazed.  I kept telling her to hurry; we had to get to the hospital.  She kept trying to make phone calls and get dressed and all the while looked like she was hearing something in the distance.  “He’s gone, I know it,” she said several times.  I was struck by how calm and peaceful she appeared, not at all panicky or distressed.  As we drove, she continued trying to call Steve and Karissa and others but I’m not sure who.  I remember we prayed in the car and also sang “Amazing Grace.”  When we arrived at the UW ER the puddles at the entrance were enormous.  I dropped Kari off at the door and parked the car.  As I stepped out, my feet sank into the water at least 2 inches deep and were immediately soaked. When I arrived in the ER Kari was in a small room with 2 or 3 firefighters.  I don’t remember their names but thinking how young they looked.  “How they could have arrived ahead of us,” I couldn’t understand.  Then Kari’s friend Stephanie arrived.  I remember a social worker coming in and saying that Alex’s injuries were very serious and was in surgery.  Kari asked about head injuries and brain damage.  I was vaguely aware a motorcycle was involved but didn’t really understand what had happened.  Kari remained quite calm and repeated again that Alex was dead.  At this point I called Ruth although I do remember that I completely forgot her phone number but Kari remembered it without any difficulty.  I will never forget Ruth saying “I’ll be right there.”  And she was. 

Shortly after calling Ruth, 2 surgeons came in to tell us the extent of Alex’s injuries.  Kari stated to the surgeons that she knew from their demeanor what they were going to tell her as she had been on the other side too many times.  They told us there were serious chest injuries but he was too hypothermic to continue surgery and had brought him to the TLC unit to warm and stabilize him.  These were lame excuses for telling us these things.  Kari again asked about his brain but they said he was too unstable to obtain a CAT scan but if they would question a severe head injury they would have obtained one.  Looking back on it now I know that they were preparing us for Alex’s death.  As Kari tried again to reach Steve and maybe one of her sisters, someone rushed in and said to get in there quickly but they only wanted Kari to come.  I regretted not going with Kari but only 1-2 minutes later a nurse came for the rest of us.  We rushed down the hall and into TLC.  We were led to Alex’s room which was the same one my father had been in 4 years earlier for 15 days following aneurysm repair surgery.  Being led to that room filled me with dread as my memories of that time were not good. 

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw and heard next.  Alex was lying on a cart, a “fallen angel,” silent and dead.  There was very little blood, or disfigurement.  His face looked perfect, untouched by the impact.  There was a large dressing of some sort over his chest.  I remember a number of IV’s, some chest tubes.  Kari was holding him in her arms with Ruth by her side.  Kari was truly majestic in her grief.  I have never witnessed such an outpouring of grief and loss.  She embraced Alex’s body for hours, alternating lying beside him or on top of him, holding him, crying, and singing hymns, reciting Bible verses and poems.  Kari stated: “Angels have been here as there’s just radiance and glow from within your earthly shell, Alex.”  I’m certain that Alex’s spirit entered Heaven accompanied on the wings of Kari’s grief, announcing to all the angels:  Alexander Mathias Fortney has arrived! 

I remember Kari’s sisters arriving as well as many young firemen appearing at the bedside some crying, some too stunned to cry.  I could tell that they were all profoundly affected by Alex’s death.  The scene was surreal, very difficult to comprehend.  They were all hugging Kari and trying to offer comfort.  Ruth was like a rock.  What would we have done without her?  She eventually suggested that we give Alex a bath.  We were given privacy and towels.  Various lines were removed and we washed him together, the 3 of us.  It was such a simple act but soothing and therapeutic.  One last thing to do for him and for Kari. 

At some point Steve appeared and the fire chief, so many people.  It seemed to me that there were some conversations involving a policeman, possibly the mention of an investigation.  It still didn’t seem real to me on some level.  I know we all left around 10:30 p.m. but I don’t remember feeling rushed or pushed out by the staff.  Steve and Kari were talking to some police and fire people.  I remember giving Stephanie a ride home and getting home a little after 11 p.m.  I called home at some point to give my husband, Marty, the tragic news so my family was aware of Alex’s accident and death.  My children were still up and my daughter, Meridith, came right up to me and hugged me tightly, my son, Adrian, did too.  I made them both promise to never get on a motorcycle and they both promised.  I felt so lucky to have my children and thanked God for them.  I also sent a silent prayer to God to welcome Alex into Heaven and to comfort Kari, Steve, and Karissa.